So yeah its been a few weeks since I’ve published any blog posts and I’ll be honest as to why: It’s because I’m tired of being negative. I want to talk about happy things that bring me joy. I want to revel in the great things that tech has done. I want to share the news that politically, everything is going to work out great here in the United States of America. I want to broadcast the great news around how big tech is making our lives better rather than worse. Alas, the world we live in demands something else, at least at present.
As an engineer it is in my nature to be pessimistic. That’s because every motivating factor in my profession rewards this behavior. Despite that, a growing part of me is becoming increasingly weary of this standard. Over time it sucks living on the bleeding edge of self awareness when it comes to the state of the industry and the state of my nation. Frankly occupying that position in these times has become downright depressing.
The real question is, “What can I do about it?”
The most honest answer is basically, “Not a whole lot.”
This answer pains me. I don’t like it. It’s especially shitty in light of the fact that I’ve been writing a particularly happy few chapters in the novel that I’m meandering my way through. As it turns out, I really really like this part of the novel. After realizing this was the case and thinking on it some more, I eventually realized that I like it so much because it stands in stark contrast to many aspects of my actual life. Not all of them of course, but enough that I’ve basically been forced to acknowledge that the schism exists.
Which is a long way of saying that life kinda of sucks right now. I mean don’t get me wrong, things for Annette and I are going relatively well. We are weathering the storm that is 2026 and we are doing okay. But at this point I’m beginning to wonder just how much more of this we can take. Let’s review:
- My career is theoretically on the ropes because an industry wide edict has been issued that requires us to pledge fealty to our new AI overlords and I refuse to do so.
- My employer decided that switching our health insurance provider TO “United Health Care” was a smart idea and they seemed totally surprised by the negative feedback that followed the announcement of this change. It must be nice living in a corporate bubble where reality isn’t allowed in, right? In any event, our health insurance is about to get way the fuck worse.
- Trump. Trump. Trump. Fuck that asshole and his fascist enablers.
- My 94 year old Grandmother has been moved to a nursing home from memory care and its not because her condition was improving. Visiting her is somehow even more depressing than it used to be. But out of some misguided sense of self loathing or duty I keep right on visiting. I guess at the end of the day, knowing I won’t ever have any children, I’m hoping that this is one of those situations where Karma settles the debt on the backend of the deal. Probably not, but at this point I’m so deep into this thing, that delusion is the only thing keeping me going.
- My 47th birthday is next week and while I don’t typically talk about them or mention them, well I can’t quite seem to get this one out of my head. I think it’s because more than ever I feel like I’m wasting whatever time I have left toiling around on silly ass shit (aka most work related tasks).
- Work has been so intense lately, that all my brain wants to do is be silenced after a long day at work. That is not conducive towards being a productive writer on the side as it turns out.
The long and short of that list is that I have a lot of reasons to be apoplectic. Despite all of that, I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to speak that way. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to be optimistic and I’m desperate to find some path to travel on that allows me to share a legitimate vision of the world that is also not apoplectic. Sadly, I have yet to find that path.
After conducting my armchair analysis of the situation, I reached the following conclusion: The first step to dealing with all of this is to just lay it all on the table, which is of course the purpose of this particular post. Of course while you might be expecting the second step to be something along the lines of, “I’m going to try and present a more optimistic view of the world here from this point henceforth” I just can’t do that. Not if I want to remain an honest scribe of present events or be seen as a semi-competent soothsayer in terms of what our future looks like.
You see thats because the overarching theme in most of what I’ve posted here and to other places over the years is that I want to have a hand in building a better world. Short of that high-minded goal, I’d settle for just making people’s lives easier now and again. Sadly in terms of my career that goal becomes more and more distant with each passing sprint. That’s because the tech industry isn’t focusing on solving problems, but on monetizing them. As it turns out, the least effective way to monetize a problem is to actually solve it.
Which of course makes me a relic, a luddite, or a fossil if you will. When I think back to how I came up in this industry, it occurs to me how different times were back then. I grew up around people who were subject matter experts and when a problem came up, they went outside for a quick smoke break and by the time they returned, they had a path forward. Maybe not a solution, but some way to at least work around the issue until we could better address it.
I admired those people. To be clear, my statement of admiration coincides with the realization that now I’m sitting at the local cigar bar during my long lunch on Wednesday (which to be clear is the only day of the week I actually take lunch or smoke) and writing this post while puffing on a cigar. So in some way I guess I’m trying to be one of those people despite the fact that the age of those people has clearly come to an end. Or has it? Fuck if I know. Things are so over the top and off track right now, it’s really hard to predict what this industry will evolve or devolve into once the AI bubble pops. I really don’t know how its going to play out.
But that leads me into the greater truth: I don’t know how any of it is going to play out. I have my guesses which are largely going to be guesses derived from a combination of [a] things I know about, [b] things I don’t know about but have some idea of and [c] lots of vibes around the general trend of things. So in that respect, I don’t know shit. I may even know less than Claude.
But it is in this particular area where I have Claude beat. That’s because I know that I don’t know and on top of that: I’m willing to admit as much to you dear reader. That makes me feel okay because I’m a limited cog operating as part of a much bigger machine that I may not ever fully understand. This conclusion at least gives me the opportunity to consider a future where everything I’m saying is wrong and that everything will just work out for the best.
I don’t know what that world looks like. I won’t be the one to tell you what it looks like. But I’m glad to know that somewhere in the depths of this aging and weary brain, the possibility for everything working out just fine still exists. To be clear, I’m not sure I want to exist in a world where that possibility doesn’t exist. Contemplating an existence that doesn’t include some measure of optimism in reserve is a thought too painful to grapple with, at least right now.
So I guess in conclusion, I’d like to apologize to any of you that have been put off by the tone of the posts here since I returned to blogging on this particular platform. It’s not all joy and happiness and sadly right now I’m not in a position to promise you those kinds of things. But I can at least take a moment of time to assure all of you that this is exactly the kind of thing I would like to post. When the moment for that arrives, I will be ready to embrace it and to share as much of the delight as possible.
All I want and all I really care about is finding that so-called better world. I don’t much care how we get there because like you, I really could use a nice healthy dose of it. Perhaps one day we’ll reach it and find ourselves swapping joyful tales around how great things are now.
There is nothing I would like more.